Whenever people would ask me what my dreams and ambitions were, I used to panic. I would invent an answer.. travel, raise a family, career, anything to shut them up but I knew exactly what dream was.. to be free from my eating disorder. My whole life revolved around it. It was the first thing I thought about when I woke up and the last thing I thought about before I slept. Unknowingly I was killing myself both physically, mentally and spirituality. I knew I couldn’t live like this but my eating disorder was in total control of my life. I would read success stories on the subject..
I was so envious I would cry myself to sleep, thinking I was weak and there was no way out. I felt guilty and shameful. How could I have lost the plot in this way? My life seemed to be over, then one day I hit rock bottom, I moved to Montreal 6 months before this day and I just wanted to pack up and leave, run away from my eating disorder, move back home to my family and friends to my comfort zone.
And then… the little voice inside of me remembered my dream TO BE FREE FROM MY EATING DISORDER. All of a sudden I stopped and spoke to myself, I spoke to Stephanie. I told myself, God put me on this earth, he created me, I need to take care of myself. I can do this. I decided to take the reigns again. I knew it was going to be hard but I was determined to live.. and to live fully – body, mind and spirit.
The first thing I did was seek professional help. I also decided that I really need to be honest with all the people who were important to me, my family, my friends, my co-workers. This was scary. The feelings of guilt and shame that come along with this eating disorder are incredible, but once I opened up to everybody I was surprised at how understanding everybody was. Not only did I get positive responses but they now had some light on why I acted the way I did.
Opening up to people was a whole new experience. By opening up I started to hear my own voice, I felt like layers were slowly being peeled off. And to my amazement I realized I like myself. I am definitely not perfect but hey I like myself. It’s amazing ghow when you accept yourself the way you are , the world just pens up to you.
I have made peace with myself, and God. I am grateful for this precious life. Life is too beautiful to wither away. Although I cannot undo the past, I have learnt from it. Strangely enough, I am happy I suffer from an eating disorder (I use the present tense because it is still a daily battle) because everyday I fight it, and every day I am more appreciative of my new life.. or more precisely my new attitude towards life. My new life is filled with dreams, friendships, love, joy, sadness, laughter, crying..
One of my assignments for my therapy sessions was to make a magic wand and write down my dream. This was my what I wrote (plus I made a fancy wand too!):
I, Stephanie, want to be REAL
R – rediscover life
E – Energetic
A – Attitude of gratitude
L – Live life to the fullest
My dream is now reality. I am focused and determined to be REAL. The road isn’t always going to a straight one, but those bumps and curves all serve as life learning experiences. Life is beautiful. I’m actually in love with life. Achieveing my dream has lead to joy, peace and happiness within myself.
Dreams can turn into reality! I hope that through my experience you too realise that whatever dreams you have, no matter how big or small, you can achieve it. It will change your life! Go for it.. it’s worth it.
Thanks for listening.
Stephanie Camilleri, Malta
Learn how to deal with an eating disorder
Anorexia Bulimia Recovery - Eating Disorders Treatment Book.
Learn how to deal with an eating disorder
Anorexia Bulimia Recovery - Eating Disorders Treatment Book.
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